I am not an expert on much.
Certainly not on the paranormal, although I do consider myself a student
of it. People often ask me "Why ?". They want to know if there is
some seminal event some alpha moment that threw me into this field of
interest. Did I have an experience as a child? Did I lose a loved one
young? Did I have a near death experience? The answer to all of these
is no, that isn't really how it happened.
patent answer to this question is 'I came out this way." And I think
it is true. I cannot remember a time when I wasn't fascinated by this
subject. Not so much monsters or horror, but with death and the
survival of it. My natural inclination leaned toward the unusual, the
boundaries, if you will, of normal. I was not a kid that was
interested in being scared, necessarily, but I definitely took to the
darker subject matter. Hallowe'en was, obviously, my favorite holiday.
Not so much for the candy, but because I felt that there really was a
lowering of the veil between worlds.
much as I loved the stories, the movies, the quest, I did not believe
and I was not interested in believing. I wanted to know. This took me
to cemeteries, libraries, famous haunted locations, historical sites,
you name it. I was an investigator before I knew people called it
that. As a teenager I dove into the papers of Rhine, the books on Psi
(Susan Blackmore especially). I also went through my cryptid & UFO
phase. Somehow feeling if the world was big enough for those things
then surely it could fit a few billion ghosts.
wanted proof. I wanted quantifiable proof. I wanted a book to tell
me this equation proves this. And I wanted to see for myself.
I was one of eight children of immigrant parents. We didn't have a
large extended family and I really didn't know my grandparents and aunts
& uncles. In my childhood, I didn't know much death. When I was
about 13 a teenager up the street from us developed a brain tumor and
she wasted away, dying at 19 years of age. I was devastated by this
death. Not so much because I was close to her, I wasn't, but because it
was so unfair. It was so uncalled for. So unbearable painful for her
family and it just didn't make sense to me.
The truth is, I
still feel this way. Never having experienced the "circle of life" in
my own family, each time I am faced with the mortality of a loved one, I
find myself incapacitated to some degree. I know, as an adult, that we
all must die, I just still can't wrap my head around the "why" of it,
because a part of me feels immortal.
This may be why I still do this, why I still seek out the dark corners , the phantom footsteps, the circles of energy.
This is just for me, of course, but it is a way of reconciling the part of me that feels immortal with the part me I know is mortal.
I do think that their are healthier ways of approaching the subject matter, but I also believe this is equally valid. I do not approach anything as a believer, but as a student, a querant, seeking illumination.
Not everyone searches for the same reason, but I think we search for the same thing.